O my! I finish my first semester this week at Loyola!
I haven’t written much because of my panic over five courses with a Jesuit institution.
In Response to my volunteering at Stella Maris and the Sisters of Mercy, I wrote the following. I hope you were all generous to the Retirement fund.
What was the most important thing I learned?
I used to be neurotic and narcissistic. Everyone told me so.
The more I tried to change myself, the worse I got.
Then one day, my closest friend told me, “Ron you really need to change.”
I was devastated.
My self-esteem was shot.
Beneath my skin, where no one could see,
I felt humiliated, degraded, hollow and empty.
Beneath my skin I was boiling with disdain, rage, and defiant blaming.
My anxieties increased and so did my unloveliness to the world.
When I recanted with, “I am special!”
They told me, “No you are not! You only think you are special in some grandiose way!”
They told me I lacked empathy, when I knew it was they who lacked empathy.
They told me I was arrogant and haughty, and that I thought I was entitled to compassion.
I thought telling me “that” was arrogant, haughty and uncompassionate!
Why did they focus on me? Why did they blame me?
No matter how much I tried, I could not change my narcissistic symptoms and criteria.
My diagnosed personality disorder was pervasive and landed me on Axis II.
I was stuck for life.
My need for admiration, approval, and having to be the center of attention got worse.
My family and community cut me off, because they thought that I was contagious.
I cut my family and community off, because they were so judgmental and unjust.
All I really desired was success, power, brilliance, beauty and ideal love.
I could not understand what was wrong with that?
Doesn’t everyone desire success, power, brilliance, beauty and ideal love?
I was so alone.
I was narcissistic and unloved.
Then one day, The Pastoral Counselor sought me out.
She told me, “Don’t change, I love you just the way you are!”
Don’t change! Don’t change! Don’t change!
It was like music to my ears, blood to my heart, and spirit to my soul,
especially after all that psychological diagnostic stuff.
She told me what I believed all along.
She affirmed me and told me I was beautiful, brilliant and very special.
And do you know what happened?
As soon as someone could love me as I am, here and now, through and through,
I could change.
I not only changed… I became a pastoral counselor. *
Why is it important?
Saint Paul pointedly says, “But God has so constructed the body as to give greater honor to a part that is without it, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the parts may have the same concern for one another. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it; if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy.” (Corinthians12:25-26) This is the key to understanding the marginalized. Dementia, Alzheimer’s, unjust elder care, the self-centered, and the dying are everyone’s problem. Those marginalized can also be everyone’s opportunity and joy. Just as anxiety and mental illness run in families, they may also run within churches, communities, nations and our emotional systems. By addressing a social justice issue like quality health care for all, we rarely make a transformative change unless we are willing to be transformed ourselves. It has become very clear to me after surviving my first semester attending Loyola University’s graduate school in pastoral counseling, that coming to grips with my own basic self and values is essential to embodying the identity of the “true pastor” in pastoral counseling.
Robert Wicks and Thomas Rodgerson share in the introduction of Companions in Hope (1998), that it was written as a “partial antidote to the isolation and potential alienation of people in a world that is moving too fast and, in the process, rapidly discouraging people from fulfilling their human and spiritual responsibilities to each other. It is written with the belief that ordinary people need to be considered as a critical component to the healing team of caring professionals that includes clergy, therapists and doctors (p. 2).”
How will it impact my work as a counselor?
Sister Regina and I talked for my last hour. We realized that the soul of the ministry with the elderly, sick and dying is more about sharing the good news about Stella Maris, rather than just ministering to the few people we help. The ministry changed us both as we recognized our own anxieties and speed bumps. My gift of writing and preaching could be sharpened and be of great service in advocating for the competent, compassionate and comprehensive health and housing services for the elderly, the sick, the injured and the dying (especially pastoral counselors). When a person is facing imminent death, anxieties rise even in the family member who seems calm. This is when a pastoral counselor is the specialist more accurate than a community counselor without pastoral training. All of us must one day die, but it is the counselor who is aware of his/her strengths and limitations that can go in like the surgeon and help the transition to the divine.
I used to be neurotic and narcissistic. I still am. The difference now is that I am changing because of unconditional love. I am transforming, and I will always be transforming, into a “very special” pastoral counselor. There is so much to learn.
Gratitude. That is my final word. Thank you Deb for mentoring me through my wrestling with the introduction to pastoral counseling identity and Stella Maris. The day that Dr. Elizabeth Maynard shared with the class about her little two-year-old asking on a Saturday morning, “School!?” was my wakeup call. Loyola, with her service-learning, reminds me of my sea years at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy and beyond. The first day I boarded a new ship; my almost clinical panic attacks with all their anxiety baggage would paralyze me and cause me to dread the day (similar to my phobia of writing about community counseling). Then, a day or so later, I would wake up at half past three in the morning for my 4 to 8 am watch in order to complete my navigational journal (service-learning) and shoot some stars and planets. Silence, prayer, faith, love, service and peace embraced me as the ship plowed through the majestic seas. The sacredness of the starlit mornings can heal any soul. So I now realize that I often bolted up at O-dark thirty in my cabin and shouted, “School!?”
*The opening poem is a creation influenced by the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (p. 714-716) and a memorized poem told by the late Anthony DeMello, SJ.
Love, joy, peace,
Father Ron +
Father Ron, You are special. At Faith and sharing you are the best. As for folks not wanting music at mass how can it go on without music. Did the disciples play when Jesus was alive. I loved it. It made a mas so special. Maybe you heard about Richard being in an acident. He has injury to his legs. A Mini Van hit him. Are you going to be a Jesuit priest. If you are leaving Jax, Gosh you will be missed. To me you are so special. De Colores Mary
Absolutely beautiful. Loved every sentence. I plan to read it many times. You are a very special priest. God loves you so very much. Love – Joan
I listened to the CD’s you gave me on my drive home to Florida. Your words and courage and faith are beautiful too!
Love, Father Ron +
Hi, Father Ron, a mutal friend, and my Confessor, Father Alan Bower, told me that you and he were mates in Seminary. Father Al help get to were I belonged, in the Church, As you probably know, Father Al is the Chaplain at Shands Hospital in Gainesville, where I met him. His friendship and patient with helped reconcile with the Church and begin again receiving the Sacraments. I spent 8 months in Shands, awaiting a new heart. My damaged heart finally got so bad that my doctors were afraid that I would not be well enough to accept a transplant, so they put a LVAD (pump) on my heart, and I was finally released. The plan now is to wait until the LVAD gets strong enough to get through a transplant. In the meantime I am home with my wife and able to travel to visit my children and grand children.
Anyway, Father Ron ever since I saw your interview and teaser on “Tear in the Desert” on EWTN I have been a fan of yours. When will the feature length movie “Tear in the Desert” be released? I can’t wait to see it. In any event, while my wife and I will be attending Mass at St. Monica’s in Palatka, I would appreciate know to what Parrish you are assigned, and perhaps might be able to attend Sunday Mass there and I can get a chance to met you.
Anyway, Father, thank you for “Tear in the Desert” – I hope to be able meet you sometime after the Holidays when my travelling to our kids home during the Holidays finally slows down. Please prayer me, Father Ron, I am definitely a “walking/talking” example of a miracle, and the power of prayer.
Neal and Bonnie Lang
23940 NE 183rd Street
Fort McCoy, FL 32134
Home Phone: 352-546-5104
Cell Phone: 561-756-2533
I just got this message. I am now at Loyola University Maryland in graduate studies.
I miss Our Diocese so much. You are positively in my prayers. God always gently encourages us into deeper communion and a more difficult path.
God bless you and I pray that your heart is healed. The healing of Jairus’ daughter and the woman who touched his cloak was powerful today.
Love, joy, peace,
Father Ron +
The movie is in God’s time.